Sunday 12 February 2023

Death Battle Predictions: Indiana Jones VS Jack Sparrow

 

“Remember that wherever your heart is, there you will find your treasure.” - Paulo Coelho


Indiana Jones; treasure hunter, Nazi fighter, and archaeologist extraordinaire.


Captain Jack Sparrow; infamous and quick-witted Pirate of the Caribbean.


Throughout cinematic history, audiences keep coming back to one genre in particular: the adventure. Who doesn't love the idea of going on a fantastical journey, hunting down ancient artifacts, and facing down impossible odds? These two are some of the all-time most famous explorers in film, men who have braved the most perilous predicaments and awe-inspiring challenges, and lived to recount the story (with a few exaggerations here and there). Will the peerless professor of archaeology take home the treasure, or will the legendary captain of the Black Pearl come back with another tall tale to tell? Let's find out in a DEATH BATTLE! 

Before We Start…

We’ll be using just about everything for both characters. Movies, novels, video games, guidebooks, and television series. Did you know there’s a Pirates manga and even a whole-ass MMO? Cuz we sure do, and you’d better bet we’re using them. The only exception is crossover stuff like Kingdom Hearts and Disney Mirrorverse, don’t expect any of that for Jack, obviously.


Without further ado, let’s get this battle crackin’, and not in the Davy Jones kind of way.

Background

Indiana Jones

“We do not follow maps to buried treasure, and X never, ever marks the spot.”


From the Ark of the Covenant to the Holy Grail, from the Temple of Doom to the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, ancient artifacts, and locales have fascinated adventurers the world over, whether their interests lie in scholarly pursuits or more… “economic” purposes. But no archaeologist and treasure hunter is more accomplished and notable than the debonair fedora-lover and O.G. whip-cracking action hero: Indiana Jones!


Born Henry Walton Jones Jr. to a famous professor of medieval studies near the end of the 19th century, Indy was a miniature genius from a young age. He underwent instruction from the best tutor around, frequently rubbed elbows with some of the most famous people in history, and was going on adventures when he was just 8 years old. He grew distant from his father as he got older, however, and eventually ran away to join the military, fighting in both the Mexican Revolution and World War I.


But it was all just a prelude to his true calling in life. Indy may be a staunch skeptic of all things out-of-the-ordinary, but he has also always had a fascination with the supernatural, and upon achieving a Ph.D. in archaeology, he set out across the world to make a name for himself as an explorer. And make a name for himself he did! Indy has been everywhere from the City of Gold, to Atlantis, and even to other dimensions, and fought everything from Krakens to demons to fearsome pirates, though he doesn’t hate or oppose any adversary quite as much as the Nazis (which, I mean, fair enough).


Throughout his travels, he has achieved renown the world over, much to the adoration of many women (like WAY too many holy shit), and the chagrin of other rival archaeologists, in particular, his archnemesis Belloq. But there was no one whose approval he craved more than his eccentric father, who had always cared more for his work than his son. It took a long time, but eventually, in their joint quest for the Holy Grail, Indy and his father found common ground and a mutual understanding, picking up the pieces of a long-broken relationship.


But Henry Sr. was not Indy’s only burned bridge in desperate need of un-burning. While he had found quite literally dozens of romantic partners over the years, none had quite captured his heart in the same way as former sweetheart Marion Ravenwood, whom he had left at the altar years prior, likely in fear of commitment and his own feelings. It’s possible that Indy’s stoicism and constant womanizing are all a defense mechanism; he’s afraid to allow himself to get truly close to someone, in fear that it will only bring him pain, as was the case with his father or his late mother. Leaving Marion, ditching his young sidekick Short Round, and cycling through relationships faster than he cycles through his revolver; Indy has always run away from happiness, choosing to immerse himself in his work rather than spend time with others – ironically, the same mistake that his father made with him.


In the end, however, Indy overcame this tendency, though not without many years spent alone in the interim. Upon reuniting with Marion and learning that he had a son who looks suspiciously like Shia LeBeouf, Indy was given another chance to rethink his life and make the commitment he had been afraid to make decades before. Of course, that doesn’t mean his adventures are over; he’s still got a Dial of Destiny to find, whatever that is. And as long as there's treasure to be found and Nazi ass to kick, Indiana Jones will always be there at the crack of a whip.

Jack Sparrow

“Gentlemen, m'lady...you will always remember this as the day that you almost caught Captain Jack Sparrow!”


The 18th century, the era many consider the golden age of piracy. Throughout this time, sailors would shiver in fear at the prospect of braving the ocean's waters, always at risk of being besieged by fearsome pirates seeking their contents, or even just the prestige of having taken down a shipping vessel. In the world of Pirates of the Caribbean, the nine Pirate Lords stand above all others as rulers of the seven seas, maintaining what little order there could be in such a chaotic age. But even among these renowned names, one was known above the rest as the most infamous, cunning, handsome pirate across the world’s seas. Or at least, that's what Jack Sparrow, Pirate Lord of the Caribbean, says about himself when he's sober enough to speak.


Jack was born to legendary pirate Edward Teague and an unknown woman. Raised alongside outlaws in a chaotic household, his wits were all he could rely on to stay ahead. Edward's influence inspired his son to pursue a similarly lofty height, wanting above all else to become not just any old pirate, but a captain of a ship he could call his own. Unsatisfied with his life as a cabin boy as he grew into a teenager, he snuck out and stowed away onto a merchant ship, seeking to make a name for himself.


As you might expect, Jack got into many misadventures throughout his youth. From assembling his own crew on a broken down fishing vessel to hunt down a magical sword, to facing down Davy Jones himself, Jack was quickly beginning to earn a reputation, if only for the chaos that followed wherever he went. It was during this time Jack would meet many of his long-time associates, like Billy "Bootstrap" Turner. Soon, however, piracy itself faced extinction at the hands of Capitán Armando Salazar, who began hunting down and systematically exterminating pirate ships across the Caribbean. Thinking quickly (and with the help of a magic compass), Jack managed to lure Salazar into an explosive trap, killing him and his entire crew, and ensuring piracy would continue to reign, earning him the nickname of Sparrow.


Jack' notoriety would only continue to grow as a result of his endeavors. He joined the East India Trading Company and became its First Mate, before acquiring a ship of his own in the Wicked Wench, later christened the Black Pearl after another climactic encounter with Davy Jones. Teague would end up giving away his position as Pirate Lord and leaving it in the hands of Jack, who chose the Caribbean as his domain. Jack's life of trickery and misdirects would come back to bite him, however, as he was ultimately mutinied by his scheming First Mate, Hector Barbossa. Left astray for 10 years, Jack would get his vengeance, teaming up with the son of Bootstrap, Will Turner, and the daring Elizabeth Swann to take down the now-cursed Black Pearl and the undead Barbossa.


All of Jack's constant brushes with freedom and death were taking their toll on the captain, and his past finally caught up to him soon enough, as he was dragged, body and soul, to Davy Jones' Locker, forced into purgatory under the monstrous pirate he had outplayed in the past. With the aid of a resurrected Barbossa, his allies had come to save him, but Jack had practically been driven mad by his experiences, and now desired immortality to ensure his own safety. With Barbossa once again claiming the Black Pearl for himself, Jack set out on a search for the Fountain of Youth. Perhaps it was his reunion with his former lover Angelica that set him back to his right mind, as he abandoned his chance at immortality and chose to continue his adventures.


It seems like Jack's lucky streak had burnt out though, as his adventures all seemed to inevitably end in failure and he was abandoned by the crew he had left. Drowning away his sorrows in bottles of rum, he even sacrificed his magical compass, the one treasure he had left, inadvertently releasing the ghostly spirit of Salazar and his men, who sought nothing but revenge against the lonesome Jack. With no one else to turn to, Jack had to team up with his number one frenemy Barbossa, restoring the Black Pearl and facing down Salazar for the last time. Even in spite of all their differences, Jack could only mourn as Barbossa chose to sacrifice himself to stop the ghostly pirate, reclaiming both to the seas once more. With the Black Pearl finally in his hands again, and a new crew to command, Jack set sail for the horizon, undoubtedly seeking more adventures yet to be shown. So watch out, sailors, and keep your wits about you, or else the sight of a white Jolly Roger atop a black vessel will represent only chaos for you, and freedom for Captain Jack Sparrow.


Experience & Skill

Indiana Jones


Indy is highly intelligent and has a lot of experience dealing with all varieties of crazy situations. From childhood, he received extensive tutoring from Oxford professor Helen Seymour, who was considered by his father to be “the best” instructor possible. Through this teaching, Indy became fluent in over a dozen languages and acquired an encyclopedic knowledge of history and geography, on top of many other skills, which allowed him to become a world-renowned archaeology professor.


His skills in laying the smack-down on others are also not to be understated; he learned how to fire a gun when he was a child from Theodore Roosevelt, then-president of the United States, and as a teenager, he fought in the Mexican Revolution, and later World War I as a member of the Belgian army (and eventually World War II as well, under the U.S. army). As an adult, he has won fist fights against entire groups of opponents on many occasions, even when fighting barehanded against multiple opponents wielding swords.


His skill with his whip is also extraordinary; he has demonstrated enough precision to disarm opponents precisely and snare the end of the whip around objects, with the craziest example being the lower strut of a plane in flight. He’s won shoot-outs against multiple enemies at once who were wielding better firearms, and he has even accidentally killed three men at once with one bullet. Of course, he is also willing to fight dirty, such as by throwing sand in an opponent’s eyes, or bringing a gun to a sword fight.


He was capable of learning enough German in a matter of hours to act as an interpreter, has estimated an object’s weight just by looking at it, and has a keen and well-trained eye for traps and deception. His on-the-fly thinking is superb; he once faked being knocked unconscious by an assailant, so that he could follow the attacker afterward. He knows Morse Code and has shown to be a skilled enough wrestler to take down an alligator.


In terms of opponents whom he has challenged, he’s pretty much been all around the block. He’s fought zombie armies, krakens and sea monsters, living terracotta soldiers, a skeleton that could control its bones telekinetically, fire-breathing dragons, demons from other dimensions, and maniacs wielding ancient weapons of immense power. He’s come into contact with interdimensional aliens, and artifacts capable of channeling the power of God or unleashing apocalyptic power on the world. Chances are, he’s not running into anything that can surprise him at this point.


It is worth mentioning that on the opposite end, Indy has been tricked, duped, or deceived a LOT, to the point where it’s a series staple.

  • Satipo fooled him into giving him the idol in the first movie

  • Belloq outsmarted him more than once

  • He drank a drink offered to him by his enemy Lao Che without considering that it might be poisoned

  • Elsa completely fooled him, even when his father told him that she was a Nazi

  • He trusted Donovan, who turned out to be an enemy

  • He was betrayed by Mac in Crystal Skull, and then later believed Mac’s lie about being a double agent just because Mac said so


And the list only gets longer if you go into the comics and novels and such, but you get the point by now. In fairness to Indy, a lot of these instances are context-specific (he had no choice with Satipo, Elsa had charmed him beforehand and built up a rapport with him, he couldn’t really have avoided being betrayed by Donovan, Mac had been his friend for years before his betrayal), but admittedly some of them like the Lao Che instance are just kind of embarrassing, and arguably indicate that he is generally rather gullible.


That said, he does have some instances of being harder to fool. For instance, in the Invincible Ruby comic, he completely outsmarts would-be traitor Ballantine Gruber, figuring out his plan in advance and predicting his betrayal, removing the bullets from his gun ahead of time so that Gruber would not be able to shoot him. Additionally, in a direct combat situation, Indy tends to be the type to shoot first and ask questions later, and, as long as he could avoid it, likely would not allow most opponents time to get in his head.

Jack Sparrow


Despite what the royals might think, Jack is one extremely intelligent adventurer. When it comes to fights, other than his marksmanship and swordsmanship, trickery is his MO. He’s managed to fool intelligent people with many years of experience like Davy Jones. Outside of this, his own experience is nothing to scoff at either. He’s been adventuring since he was a kid, even managing to assemble a crew of like-minded individuals with the goal of becoming legendary pirates when he was just a teenager. He's also quite the fast learner, having been taught swordsmanship by Italian fencer and his former best friend, Christophe-Julien de Rapièr. As a result of this training, Jack became widely considered as one of the best sword fighters in the Caribbean. In addition, he’s also a very skilled marksman, with his accuracy and precision always coming in clutch when the situation calls for it.


As mentioned earlier, Jack Sparrow’s MO for every fight is his trickery and cunning thanks to his charisma. He’s been able to manipulate the people around him in order to make things go his way.

  • Intentionally distracted two guards to get into argument, allowing himself to get on board a ship they were guarding

  • Took the place of the judge for his own trial and had Mr. Gibbs take his place, allowing Jack to give himself the verdict he wants

  • Goaded Davy Jones into revealing the key to the chest containing his disembodied heart

  • Tricked Will Turner and James Norrington into fighting each other so he could escape

  • Tricked Blackbeard into killing himself by lying to him that he had the chalice containing the Fountain of Youth’s restorative water when he actually had the chalice that takes life instead

  • Invoked a vote for a new Pirate King knowing every Pirate Lord would vote for themselves, allowing him to make Elizabeth Swan the new Pirate King since she advocated for his plan


In addition to his manipulation and trickery, Jack Sparrows uses his intelligence to make elaborate and daring escapes. Usually, he’ll plan ahead his escapes, but he’s been known to improvise along the way. To make sure that any attempt of escaping is successful, Jack will observe his surroundings or get the upper hand on his captors. One such example is when Jack got captured by a group of pirates who forced him onto their ship. However, he took a bottle of strong rum to make a trail to their ship and stunned one of the pirates into dropping their match, setting the ship and docks on fire. This allowed Jack to escape and reunite with his crew and ship. This demonstrates how he’ll use the environment he’s in to his advantage.


As with any pirate, Jack Sparrow is also a good thief, especially when there’s an item that he desires to have. Usually, this would require Jack to use his trickery and cunning on the people he’s trying to steal from, such as when he caused someone to slip on oil so he could punch them and steal their sword, or the time when he goaded a servant to run after him, only for Jack to hide out of sight and steal the sword and pistol that the servant had left behind. Jack is skilled enough to steal during a fight, and is willing to take a hit to do so. Jack’s skill as a thief allows him to know where hidden treasure can be found as well as how to retrieve items that are secured.


Other than his tremendous skills in sword fighting and marksmanship, Jack can use his intelligence to find other ways to keep up in combat and overwhelm his opponents. Various examples include using a nearby bag of sand to blind Will Turner in order to disarm him, covering an enemy with a bag of gunpowder to add more power to his next gunshot, causing Torrents to get struck by lightning by throwing a hatful of water at him, and setting up gunpowder around a master before fighting Torrents and later igniting the gunpowder to blow up both Torrents and his ship. All these examples showcase Jack’s intelligence, making him a pirate that no one should underestimate.


As pirate captain, Jack Sparrow has plentiful knowledge of the sea that has proven helpful to stay alive. One example of this is him using one area to make the ship Koldunya run aground, allowing his own vessel to freely attack it, as a ship that can’t move won’t be able to aim its cannons properly. Another example was when Jack had Armando Salazar chase after him towards Devil’s Triangle and hooked ropes to nearby rocks to swing his ship away from the entrance, as a result forcing Salazar’s ship to enter the cursed sea instead.


Since his teenage years, Jack Sparrow has faced off against various enemies and creatures, especially supernatural ones. In his early years, Jack has defeated the likes of Torrents, the Shadow Lord Henry Morgan, and the spirit of Hernán Cortés. In the movies, Jack Sparrow defeated Hector Barbossa and his cursed army, Davy Jones and the Flying Dutchman, Cutler Beckett and the East India Trading Company, the notorious Edward Teach (a.k.a. Blackbeard), and the legendary pirate hunter Armando Salazar. These victories show that Jack Sparrow truly is the best pirate in all the seven seas.


Overall, Jack Sparrow’s experience and skills are very extensive, especially since he’s been sailing as a pirate since a very young age. He’s as unpredictable as he is intelligent. Not only is he skilled with a sword and a gun, but he’ll also use unconventional means in combat to gain victory over an opponent. He’ll manipulate his opponents into their downfall, escape from an unfavorable or unwanted situation, and steal anything that might be useful or something he desires. Should a fight occur on sea, no doubt Jack would use his knowledge to give himself the win. His experience with various supernatural enemies and artifacts has made Jack a better fighter and a better pirate.


Equipment

Indiana Jones

Fedora

Although it may serve no practical use to him, Indy’s fedora is the cherry on top of his iconic look. Given to him by a henchman of a former enemy, it seems to be a reminder that even though Indy may lose, he doesn’t have to like it. That sentimental value is also the reason that he risks his life to save it so many times throughout the series.

Bullwhip

The most classic item in his arsenal, Indy somehow uses this line of rope as an all-purpose tool. He uses it to swing across large gaps, scale walls, disarm people of various weapons, stop them from smoking (good man, Indy), and it can also somehow block fireballs on top of that.

Pistols

Indy has carried a Smith and Wesson M1917 on his person across many adventures, as well as a Browning Hi-Power 9 when he ran out of ammo and a Colt New Service M1917. From his youth, he owned an 1866 Derringer pistol and could also kill a polar bear with a revolver. Indy has stated he can accurately fire almost anything in his hands. Works great in a sword fight.

Machete

A blade that Indy regularly carries on his explorations, great for cutting bridge ropes, hacking through vines and obstacles, and, of course, slashing people in dire situations. Though Indy isn’t typically portrayed as a sword fighter, he did demonstrate some skill in the art during his youth.

Knives

Indy has carried knives of various sorts throughout his career, including a pocket knife, a knife that he acquired in a trade, a Turkish knife, and throwing knives (1, 2). These can be used for various purposes, like cutting himself out of rope, carving or scratching surfaces, and, of course, stabbing people.

Other Firearms

Indy has used many other firearms that he has acquired throughout his journeys, whether by finding them lying around or by disarming them from his various enemies. Notable examples include shotguns, grenade launchers, rifles, machine guns, bazookas, SMG’s, mausers, Lugers, and more. It should be noted that Indy doesn’t typically carry most of these things with him on adventures, but he is proficient at using all of them and has done so on various occasions.

Spare Ammo

Indy carries spare ammo on his person on most occasions, though obviously does not ever have an unlimited amount, and as such has to ration his ammunition wisely. In the video games, he has shown to be proficient at finding additional ammo nearby when needed.

Explosives

Indy has made frequent use of various explosives throughout his adventures, to eliminate obstacles or enemies in his path. This includes dynamite powerful enough to collapse a temple, grenades that can blow up walls and even entire armored tanks, a bottle of nitro for even more wall destruction, a blasting cap to demolish rocks, and demo charges to blow apart a large metal grate. Naturally, such explosives are pretty effective on people as well.

Bow & Arrow

From his Desktop Adventures, Indy can use a bow and arrow to take down enemies from afar.

Spears

During his quest for the Emperor’s Tomb, Indy was able to steal Chinese Spears from various fallen foes, using them to stab and strike enemies from a distance. He also made use of spears in the Desktop Adventures.

Crossbow

After killing certain enemies, Indy can take a crossbow from their corpse and use it to fire arrows from a distance. Crossbows utilize an elastic launching device in order to propel bolts at high speed, piercing an enemy in an instant with the pull of the trigger.

Speargun

Indy has used a speargun to shoot spears at a high-powered rate, painfully skewering enemies from a distance. Because the end of the speargun’s projectiles are barbed, it would be difficult for an enemy who’s been struck to remove them from the wound, as this would tear the wound open further.

Aztec Sword

Indy can pick up an Aztec Sword and use it to fight off any creatures in his way, including living skeletons.

Binoculars

An excellent tool for any explorer, Indy frequently carries binoculars on him, allowing him to spy on people and see things from a long distance away. These have proven very useful for scoping out any potential dangers on his crusades. 

Lighter & Matches

Indy has been repeatedly shown to carry matches on him, as well as a lighter. This has come in handy whenever he needs to burn something or illuminate his surroundings, which has gotten him out of sticky situations more than once.

Gas Mask

As a kid, Indy carried a gas mask during the war which could protect him from deadly toxins. Similarly, he has made other use of gas masks when the situation calls for it, namely in The Young Indiana Jones Chronicles NES game.

Flute

This game sucks but it does give Indy a tool for overcoming one of his biggest fears: a flute that prevents those disgusting, slithering snakes from bothering him.

Flashlight

To shine a light in any raiding of arcs or temples of doom. He could also probably hit someone pretty hard with it idk.

Torches

Indy has carried torches with him on many adventures, useful for exploring the dark, burning people, repelling snakes, etc. He has created torches quickly simply by grabbing some wood and starting a fire.

Canteen

Same as any healthy individual and smart explorer (drink water if you’re reading this), Indy always makes sure to stay hydrated, carrying with him a canteen of water to quench his thirst. In the Emperor's Tomb video game, he can drink from this canteen to heal himself, and refill it with water from various sources.

Healing Equipment

Primarily in the video games, Indy has made use of many healing items throughout the years, which can restore him to optimal condition if injured or fatigued. Some of these items include:

Magic Potions

In his crusade to find the Emperor’s Tomb, Indy picked up some magic potions that can grant special effects to the user if ingested. These potions include:

Blue Torch

A magical torch that Indy acquired, which burns blue and can be used to sear the spirits of undead enemies, though is less effective against other foes. By shining the light of the torch on his surroundings, Indy can also use it to reveal hidden traps and passageways that would otherwise be invisible to the naked eye.

Statues of Power

In The Young Indiana Jones Chronicles NES game, Indy can acquire and use these Statues of Power to freeze nearby enemies in place for a brief period of time, immobilizing them and leaving them open to attacks.

Magic Amulet

This is also from The Young Indiana Jones Chronicles NES game; once used, this magic amulet will make Indy invincible for a period of time, rendering him nearly immune to any attacks. Obviously, a sufficiently powerful attack should still be able to overcome this.

Infernal Machine Parts

Created by the ancient Babylonians by the order of their King Nebuchadnezzar, the Infernal Machine is a legendary device intended to establish contact with an alternate dimension known as the Aetherium, in order to communicate with the Babylonian god Marduk. During one of his adventures, Indy collected several parts which compose the Infernal Machine. These parts each grant Indy a special ability unique to them.

  • Azerim’s Part: Used to levitate Indy upwards into the air, allowing him to reach areas that would otherwise be inaccessible.

  • Urgon’s Part: Can emit special vibrations which Indy uses to break apart walls, though typically only those that are already damaged to some extent.

  • Taklit's Part: Can temporarily turn Indy invisible, allowing him to remain undetected from his adversaries.

Pa Cheng

Also known as the “Dragon’s Claw” or “Demon Destroyer,” the Pa Cheng is a legendary artifact that can be used as a close-range bladed weapon or a boomerang-like projectile that can destroy evil spirits. It can also create an energy shield to defend against evil souls, and shatter weak enough barriers upon hitting them. Though it is dependent on the location, Indy can also charge the Pa Cheng with elemental power at specific places, which could empower it to the point of harming the villain Kai while he was in possession of the Heart of the Dragon artifact.

Staff of Kings

The Staff of Kings (AKA the Staff of Moses) is the same magic staff that Moses used to split the Red Sea, harnessing the power of God himself to do so. When Indy sought out the Staff of Kings, it was stolen by Magnus Völler and used to split the sea again, before being taken by Indy himself. Indy used the staff to part the clouds above him, and return the sea to its normal, unbroken state. After completing this act, the staff transformed into a snake and abandoned Indy, who did not seek to go after it again, believing that a staff like that could take care of itself. As such, though Indy did use it, it is not a standard part of his arsenal.

Jack Sparrow

Hanger

Jack’s main weapon is a rusty, worn-out, old hanger that he bought for 5 shillings. While most pirates prefer a cutlass, Jack favors this sword due to it being longer, as he can use it to keep his enemies a couple more inches away. As a result, this hanger has been used for most of Jack’s adventures as a pirate.


While it’s a normal sword in the movies, the Pirates of the Caribbean games give his sword various abilities. For one thing, it can be covered in alcohol and be set ablaze for fiery strikes. The sword can also create energy projectiles from all sides of Jack by being struck into the ground. Finally, it can be temporarily imbued with green energy to collect the souls of whoever the sword strikes (see below).

Flintlock Pistol

A .50 caliber English pistol, this flintlock was given to Jack after he was stranded on an island by Barbossa, who took over the Black Pearl with a successful mutiny. The flintlock pistol was only loaded with one bullet, with intent that Jack would use it to shoot himself. However, Jack preserved the pistol’s one shot for 10 years, and eventually used it to kill Barbossa. With his revenge achieved, Jack modified the pistol and has kept it since then, becoming exceptionally fond of it as one of his most treasured items. Thanks to its heavy pommel, the gun also doubles as a lethal club. Fun fact, Jack Sparrow’s pistol is the only real pistol in the film series.

Compass

This compass is an unusual one, having bartered it from the voodoo mystic Tia Dalma and later retrieving it back from his dying captain. Jack’s compass never points north, making it seem useless to other people. However, it actually has the supernatural ability of directing to whatever the user wants most at the moment, even if the owner doesn’t know the actual location or nature of their desires. The compass will indicate the person’s desire toward a location, object, or even another person, making it invaluable for treasure hunting and navigation. The compass can also be consciously directed if the person using it concentrates on what or who they desire most.


The compass also has a special supernatural connection with its owner, and will obey that person willingly and blindly as long as that person is also loyal to the compass. Even in the possession of another person, the compass will conspire to help out its owner's inner desires. However, if the owner betrays the compass’ loyalty through a dishonorable trade or by simply giving it away without expecting it to return, the compass in return will unleash the previous owner’s greatest fear as retaliation. This occurred when Jack traded away his compass for a bottle of rum, and the compass released Captain Armando Salazar from Devil’s Triangle for this betrayal.

Tricorne Hat

This black leather tricorn became a key part of Jack Sparrow’s appearance, having survived being scorched by the Caribbean sun and beaten by the harsh winds of the sea. Despite being battered and faded, Jack still holds his hat in high value. Even though it doesn’t possess any special properties, it’s very practical, as Jack has used it as a canteen to drink fresh water from and to trap deadly scorpions with its domed crown.

Spyglass

Like any pirate, Jack has a spyglass that he uses to magnify his view, allowing him to keep his sights on anything far away that he couldn’t see with his regular eyesight. This includes land, incoming ships in the distance, or people to spy on.

Jar of Dirt

Guess what’s inside it. That’s right, it’s a glass jar filled with dirt. Due to Davy Jones being unable to set foot on land until once every decade, Jack was given the jar as a form of protection, cause it means he’s technically carrying land with him at all times. It can also serve as a good hiding tool, such as for hiding a disembodied heart inside it, as one does.

Flint-and-Tinder Kit

A toolkit that Jack keeps in his coat to make a small fire that casts light.

Explosives

Jack has a couple of explosives on him that he uses on groups of enemies. One type of bomb he has is the grog fire bombs, that set people on fire after they explode on contact. Another kind is bottles for his HellFire combo. where he throws them into the air and shoots with his pistol, causing a fiery AOE explosion that’ll not only hit surrounding enemies but also himself, whoops.

Shrunken Heads

In the Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End video game, Jack can collect shrunken heads to perform his “Jackanism”. By using a single shrunken head, Jack can imbue his sword with a mystic green energy that allows him to collect the soul of whoever he strikes.

Timekeeper

The Timekeeper is a pocket watch created by an alchemist in Holland, who gave the watch the ability to stop and alter time. The pocket watch can stop time by lifting its crown and also has the potential ability to travel back in time. The user is immune to the Timekeeper’s time-stop ability as long as they’re holding the pocket watch. However, other people can also move through frozen time if they’re holding the watch’s chains.


Continuous use of the Timekeeper within the story had disrupted the flow of time, making it increasingly wonky through a process called the Dance of the Hour. Jack had found himself in the presence of a pirate who was previously dead and saw pterodactyls flying in the sky. The Dance of the Hours caused the world to be split in half between day and night, gave Jack Sparrow a plan that he wouldn’t come up with and use until years later, and caused the Timekeeper to eventually lose its ability to stop time.


The Dance of the Hours stopped when Stone-Eyed Sam, the pirate previously dead, stood under the sun and moon and dropped the Timekeeper before the twelfth hour had struck, as only a person who doesn’t belong in the current present moment in time can perform the ritual to stop all of time from collapsing on itself. If someone who belonged to the current present of time had taken his place instead, time would’ve remained warped forever. After the ritual was completed, the Timekeeper effectively lost all its magic.

Incan Golden Sun Spear

During his early years, Jack was given a golden sun spear by the Incas. Due to its connection to the sun, the spear was immune to possession by the Shadow Lord’s shadow magic. As a result, Jack used the spear to destroy the Shadow Lord’s ring that commanded his shadow warriors, forcing the army to be recalled back to the destroyed object.

Clocks

In the Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest game for the GameBoy Advanced, Jack has clocks that temporarily stop time for most of his enemies.

Protection Cloth

In his earlier years, Jack Sparrow received a hand-woven cloth from Princess Amenirdis, who he had formed a romance with. When Amenirdis wove the cloth, she enchanted it with spells of protection that would protect Jack from injury, sickness, or harm. The cloth seemingly protected Jack when he was stabbed by former best friend Christophe-Julien de Rapièr in their final duel, as an inch or two deeper would’ve been fatal for Jack.

Weather Gauge

In order to find a way to sail the Black Pearl away from Port Royal, Jack and his crew went on a quest to find the Weather Gauge. It’s an ancient artifact that allows the user to control the wind, and is said to have been used in the past to topple empires and fleets.

Ring

When Jack was a teenager, his father, Edward Teague, gifted him a magical ring that causes people to follow the command of whoever wears it. However, the effects of the ring are very temperamental, so it can’t be relied on too much.

Quipu

After a visit to Tia Dalma, Jack received a quipu that translates everything spoken into the language of the listener. This allowed Jack to interact with the Incas without a language barrier between them.

The Sword of Cortés

The Sword of Cortés is a legendary cursed sword used by the Spanish conquistador Hernán Cortés during his slaughter of the Aztecs. Jack spent a significant portion of his teenage career as a stowaway searching for it with his crew, and finally managed to get his hands on it after several deadly encounters with competing pirates and merfolk. The sword and its sheath on their own contain magical properties and unique abilities, but when put together, their strength increases exponentially, granting the wielder godlike power. The combined sword and sheath essentially function as a wishing device, granting the wielder whatever they wish for, even if they aren’t conscious of it. It can act automatically in response to strong desires and fulfill wishes even with details the wielder isn’t aware of, such as teleporting an enemy to a place the wielder didn’t know existed based on the wording of what they desire. 


While initially the sword was bound to the spirit of Cortés, only responding to wishes that fulfilled his hidden plans, after his defeat, it recognized Jack as its one and only master, allowing him to use it freely. He can even will the sword to his hand from yards away. However, Jack detested the despot it represented and the freedom it had taken away, and ultimately gave it away to Tia Dalma for good after using it to fix all the damage Cortés had caused. The only real weakness of the sword is that it cannot affect any beings originating from Davy Jones’ locker, though even without its magic it can still function as a normal blade. It also glows whenever it’s used.



On its own, the scabbard can guide its wielder to important areas and act as a compass pointing to the location of the sword.

Abilities

Indiana Jones

Superhuman Physique

Generally, Indy has been portrayed as superhuman and far more capable than most other humans, particularly given how his refrigerator survival is described in the Crystal Skull comic.

Enhanced Senses

When a spell was cast to create an illusion made to hide a village completely, Indy could see it perfectly fine.

Jack Sparrow

Sword Fighting

As the best pirate anyone has ever seen (self-proclaimed), Jack is a master of fighting the most skilled enemies  in the strangest of places. When Jack was younger, he received many of his sword skills from an Italian fencing master acting as his teacher. In addition, Jack also received sword training from his former best friend Christophe-Julien de Rapièr. After years of studying his swordsmanship, Jack Sparrow became one of the best sword fighters in the Caribbean. He parried the blades of three sailors with graceful ease and disarmed one of them with only a flick of his sword. Jack can also still fight back if he ever gets disarmed.


Jack’s skills as a sword fighter allowed him to fight swordmaster Will Turner even while wearing handcuffs, to the point of even disarming Will of his weapon. In Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest, Jack fought both Will Turner and James Norrington in a three-way battle while spinning on a water wheel. Jack has even gone up against Davy Jones, who has been a pirate for much MUCH longer than Jack, and dueled him on top of a sail of a ship riding a whirlpool in a storm while holding a chest in his other hand. It all goes to show that Jack is a master of the arts, and is not one to be messed with.

Marksmanship

Throughout the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise, Jack Sparrow has proven to be as excellent a marksman as he is a swordsman. He has displayed his pinpoint accuracy in critical moments of tense situations. For example, in order to steal back the chest containing Davy Jones’ disembodied heart, Jack threw a coconut to knock off the head of an enemy pirate who was running off with the chest from a faraway distance. Another example was when the crew of the Black Pearl defended themselves against the Kraken. Their plan was to create an explosion that would heavily wound the Kraken using a net full of powder kegs. When their plan was in jeopardy, Jack stepped in to shoot a falling powder keg to create the explosion. A final example is during the battle between the Black Pearl and the Flying Dutchman inside a whirlpool during a raging storm, where Jack was able to shoot a chest out of Davy Jones’ hand while swinging on a rope. Needless to say, Jack’s marksmanship doesn’t get enough credit.

Feats

Indiana Jones

Overall

  • Pioneered the treasure-hunting genre

  • Discovered many ancient artifacts including the Ark of the Covenant, the Holy Grail, the Crystal Skull of Akator, the Staff of Kings, the Spear of Longinus, the Golden Fleece, and more

  • Explored many famous or ancient locations including the Temple of Doom, Atlantis, Emperor Qin Shi Huang’s Tomb, the City of Gold, the Tomb of the Gods, the Shrine of the Sea Devil, and more

  • Fought in WWI under the name of Henri Defense for the Belgians, and later in WWII for the Americans

  • Participated in the Mexican Revolution

  • Got a degree in archaeology and a job at Marshall College

  • Outsmarted René Emile Belloq, Ballantine Gruber, Walter Donovan, and more

  • Defeated Mola Ram and the rest of the Thuggee cult, the Chinese demon Kong Tien, the reincarnation of Dracula Mattias Targo, Kai with the Heart of the Dragon, the Babylonian god Marduk, various Nazis, Soviets, and others

Power

Speed

Durability

Jack Sparrow

Overall

  • Endured being stranded on an island for three days with nothing but rum

  • Defeated Hector Barbossa and regained the Black Pearl

  • Precise enough with a rifle to nail a falling exploding barrel 

  • With help, managed to escape Davy Jones’ Locker

  • Helped William Turner deal the final blow to Davy Jones 

  • Captained the Black Pearl in taking down the Endeavour, ending the East India Trading Company 

  • Escaped from King George II

  • Discovered the Fountain of Youth 

  • Tricked Blackbeard into drinking the water that takes life

  • Defeated Armando Salazar. Twice.

Power

Speed

Durability

Weaknesses

Indiana Jones

Indiana may be a legend, but that doesn't mean that he's not without his faults. The most obvious flaw is his fear of snakes from when he fell into a crate of them as a teenager, with him somehow always managing to run into them on adventures. He’s also not great in terms of fatherhood and relationships, as seen in Temple of Doom and Crystal Skull, though when push comes to shove, he’ll find a way to make it work and save them.


He will also put himself in danger just to save his hat, most notably in Raiders of the Lost Ark when a stone wall would have crushed him. However, his most notable flaw would be his obsession with adventure and knowledge. Across almost every single piece of Indy’s media, he will always willingly put himself in dangerous situations that he otherwise could just leave and ignore, just to discover treasure.


Also, despite his notable catchphrase, he’s only managed to retrieve one artifact for a museum to display. 

Jack Sparrow

Jack may be the master of ingenuity and improvisation, but as far as strategy is concerned, Jack hardly plans ahead, always walking headfirst into a situation and figuring things out as he goes. This has led to him getting imprisoned by the Port Royal Police Force, being mutinied by his crew on the Black Pearl, and being enslaved on the Queen Anne’s Revenge


Also, amidst all of Jack’s survivability, he’s still just a man, and is no harder to kill through conventional means than normal. He may have been under the Black Pearl’s curse for a short time, but that curse has long since been broken.

Verdict

Stats 

In terms of physical strength, it should be expected that, relatively, neither is too crazy in terms of their shown feats given the mediums they come from. That said, Indy still has a solid edge in this category. Jack’s best direct physical feats from what we’ve seen are moving boulders roughly half his size and tilting the Black Pearl by running, the latter of which only had an effect after repeated running back and forth. It’s still a pretty ridiculous feat for the captain, but Jones has it beat. He could push boulders notably larger than his own body across significant distances, and what’s more, could topple massive stone structures with just one push. Even considering that he only needs to act on the top end of the structure, you don’t exactly need a calc to see how that’s way greater than what Jack can do, and Indy is surprisingly consistent in terms of having majorly superhuman lifting feats.


Beyond just lifting, the amount of destruction Indy can cause is generally above or equal to what Jack has been shown to dish out. Jack can break through stone walls, but Indy can do the same to similarly large walls, on a pretty consistent basis. In terms of higher ends, Jack’s physicality simply doesn’t compare to Ian Mclver and Prospero, two characters Indy scales to, who have been shown to survive massive explosions that have obliterated temples and left dents on mountains respectively, at near point-blank range. These are the types of people who Indy has fought and matched in physical combat, so needless to say, Jack is at a major disadvantage in terms of throwing hands. Doctor Jones should be more than strong enough to subdue and kill him, while Jack wouldn’t have the options to take down Indy. Though of course, it’d be reasonable to say a bullet could still kill either given how they’re depicted, and even if it weren’t, weaponry like that would ‘scale’ to their own physicality, silly as it sounds, so it wouldn’t change much.


Speed is a similarly unfavorable situation for the savvy captain. On the lower end, Indy has way more feats of moving in tandem with and dodging bullets, including being able to disarm people as soon as he reacts. Jack has some bullet-dodging feats of his own, but he’s less consistent in that field and they’re harder to prove as actually reacting to the bullet in each case. At best, they’d be roughly similar in speed, with Indy likely having an edge. That’s just the baseline here though, and Indy has some weird higher-degree speed arguments. He has multiple feats of moving relative to cloud-to-ground lightning and has fairly explicitly reacted to a beam of light right before it was about to hit him. These are obviously really absurd feats for a character as grounded as Indiana Jones, and it would be reasonable to dismiss them as outliers, but the fact that they exist certainly doesn’t help Jack’s case. The best Jack has is intercepting a bolt of lightning from the weather-manipulating Captain Torrents, at best equal to Indy’s own lightning movement and far slower than the archaeologist's light dodging. No matter which way you look at it and what feats you consider consistent, Indy should take the speed edge.


And of course, Indy can survive a nuke with a fridge. Don’t see Jack doing that.

Arsenal & Abilities

Indy has picked up a lot of weapons over the years that have some impressive feats in their own right. His explosives, including ones as easy to use as a grenade, have rendered large holes in solid walls, and have shown feats of blowing apart metal grates and dismantling massive tanks. He also carries a wider variety of firearms, which generally gives him more utility, alongside obviously being centuries ahead of the tech in POTC. That said, looking at their arsenals is where things turn around in Jack’s favor. His basic weaponry may not be as destructive or versatile, but he more than makes up for it with the amount of magical and esoteric items he’s acquired. Both have means of stopping time, but Jack has multiple if you give him the Timekeeper compared to Indy’s one. Indy can turn invisible and invulnerable with power-ups, but Jack has the means to keep track of him with his compass, and has protection of his own with his cloth. In comparison, Indy doesn’t have anything comparable to Jack’s shrunken heads and ring, which could provide the means to instantly defeat the professor regardless of his protections and strength.

Above all, though, is the Sword of Cortés, easily the most potent item across either’s arsenal. Not only does it have enough raw power to manifest massive snow storms over an entire island, but it also offers multiple ways of instantly ending the fight that Indy doesn’t have any protection against; from erasing him from existence to transmuting him into an animal to teleporting him away from the battlefield, the sword can do all of this on Jack’s command with as little as a desire. Arguably most important though is the protection it offers, capable of creating barriers to defend the user even without conscious command. Given the sword’s pool of magic, it’s likely the barriers are similar in potency to the sword’s other feats, including the energy to generate the aforementioned island-spanning snow storms. 


The sword’s barriers would shut down almost everything Indy has. Jones has magical weapons of his own, but they have more notable drawbacks. Pa Cheng could harm the empowered Kai, who’s strong enough to generate a storm above the boss arena, but it needs to be imbued with elemental energy first in order to do so, and even then the storm the sword could create is much bigger than Kai’s, making it unlikely Pa Cheng could break through the sword’s defenses anyway. The Staff of Kings has the raw power to overwhelm the sword, given it was used by Moses to split the Red Sea, but Indy only used it very briefly before it slithered away from him on its own, meaning it can’t be considered standard to his arsenal, in contrast to the sword, which obeys Jack as its one and only master by the end of the story.

That raises the sticking point of if the sword’s barriers are truly passive and active at all moments, or if Jack still needs to feel some kind of desire for protection and to not die for them to be raised. This is a key factor in this match and is unfortunately one of the murkiest aspects of the debate. There’s no clear evidence either way as to if the barriers are constantly up. It’s clear Jack doesn’t need to consciously manifest protection for the sword to act, given he was completely unaware the sword was protecting him from cannon fire until afterwards, but in other instances, it seems as if the sword responds to the user’s emotions and instincts above all else. 


A good example of the sword following the user’s innate desires would be Arabella, who used the sword to push back her friends just from her desire for them to get away, and more significantly teleported Louis away out of her desire for justice even when she didn’t intend to. The sword notably specifically followed the wording of her wishes to teleport Louis to her mother’s ship, when Arabella didn’t even know her mother was alive at the time, meaning it used info she couldn’t possibly have been aware of. That suggests the sword functions by essentially granting the user’s wish in any given scenario, meaning Jack would still need to be aware that he’s in danger and have an active desire to be safe for the sword to offer protection. If this is the case, with his superior speed, Indy could feasibly shoot Jack before he could process what’s happening and end the fight there, without the sword being able to “react”. Still, that’s just one of two interpretations here, and if you were to argue for the alternative, Indy simply wouldn’t have the viable means to get past the sword’s barriers before being killed.

Tertiary Factors

Both Indiana Jones and Jack Sparrow have been fighting and exploring since they were young, with entire series in both franchises dedicated to just their adventures in their youth. Between the two, Jones likely has more formal training, having fought in both World Wars and the Mexican Revolution, alongside receiving professional firearms tutelage. In contrast, Jack relies more on his experience and wits above all else, having only received some training in fencing, which is less useful against someone as skilled of a marksman as Indy. Speaking of experience though, both have spent years facing down tons of different kinds of magical beasts, curses, and traps, and have many instances of battling people comparable to them in brains and brawn. It’s unlikely either is going to be too startled by what the other whips out.


An obvious point to cover is if Jack could trick and outsmart Indy. Jack is above all known for his wits and deceit, having many feats of outplaying people with years of experience like Davy Jones, even when they were in an advantageous position against him initially. He frequently uses the environment in combat, fooling his enemies into landing in a laid-out trap, having done so against multiple opponents at the same time. Doctor Jones may be incredibly book-smart, but there’s no denying there’s an embarrassing number of instances of him being fooled by someone wilier than him that have landed him in bad situations. 


That said, just looking at said instances of Jones being styled on would be underselling Indy. As seen with Ballantine Gruber, he has the skills needed to see through what people are plotting and turn their trickery against them when it counts. Jack can hardly be said to be foolproof in this regard anyways, as his tendency to go into situations without a plan has led to trouble more than once, such as when he was claimed by Davy Jones or had his freedom taken by merfolk. Given Indy’s tendency to shoot first above all else, and how Jack has the means to end the fight instantly, it’s unlikely either would get the opportunity to flex their wits before one of them is defeated.

Conclusion

Indiana Jones 

It’s not the years, honey. It’s the mileage.

Advantages:


Disadvantages:

  • Less useful magical items

  • No real counter to the Sword of Cortés’ protection

  • Could get instantly killed by some of Jack’s weapons

  • Could be outwitted by Jack

  • Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull 

  • He’s a terrible professor


Jack Sparrow 

On deck, you scabrous dogs! Hands to braces! Let go and haul to run free. Now...Bring me that horizon. [hums to himself] And really bad eggs...Drink up me hearties, yo ho!


Advantages:

  • Overall stronger arsenal

  • Could one-shot with weapons like the Sword of Cortés

  • Sword of Cortés’ barriers could possibly protect from anything Indy throws at him

  • Likely more cunning

  • Matching experience

  • Refused to participate in the slave trade

  • Johnny Depp


Disadvantages:

  • Physically weaker

  • Slower

  • Could be killed before the Sword of Cortés can take effect

  • Less formal training

  • Magical weaponry is somewhat situational

  • Johnny Depp


There are plenty of comparisons you could make about their experience, intelligence, and weaponry, but all things considered, this fight essentially just boils down to a quickdraw. Indy’s superior speed and his reflexes in shooting mean he could simply shoot down Jack before the latter could process that he was in danger. The question is if the Sword of Cortés’ protection would block the attack even without Jack having an active desire to survive, and that’s really subjective, even more so than usual with vs situations. There’s no real clear evidence either way as to how the sword would function in a scenario like that, but more of us feel the pieces line up in Indy’s favor here. The way the sword is depicted seems to suggest it likely needs the user to have an active desire against the danger they’re experiencing for it to take effect, and in a situation where the user is attacked by something they’re completely unaware of and had no reason to be wary of, it’s reasonable to say the sword would be unable to take effect before the user is struck down.


Beyond just the sword, Indy holds more notable advantages overall. He has a clear edge in strength and durability that Jack can’t match, alongside much more consistent speed feats on top of higher-end arguments. Jack does have useful magical items, but it’s unlikely they’d come into play before he’s struck down when Indy has shown efficient takedowns and disarming as far back as the first segment of his first movie. Wit is Jack’s most known trait, and it’s feasible he could attempt to fool Jones should the fight last long enough, but Jones has experience against con men trying to take him down and is likely to just shoot first before Jack gets the chance.


Jack Sparrow has a cunning mind and some insane weaponry, but Indiana Jones’ strength, speed, and honed reflexes are going to put down this pirate lord. Looks like Indy is the real captain of this fight. Savvy?

Final Tally

Team Indiana Jones (5) - Retro, Drhippotime, KL, Speedy, Robert Lee


Team Jack Sparrow (3) - Rina Antiqua, VampyreNVRmore, Brobuscus



Next Time...


14 comments:

  1. Hey, I recognize these Captain Jack Sparrow feats, they're from the respect thread I posted on Reddit earlier this year! Glad to see it's being put to good use on places like this.

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  2. Nice work on this blog. I was actually expecting a clean sweep for Indie here, but while he still wins the majority, glad it's closer than expected.

    Wouldn't surprise me if Bayo wins considering she got buffed alot in 3, but I do hope Dante does okay since the last time you guys did DMC with Nero vs Hellboy, I don't think it was the best blog being nice about it. Looking forward to it regardless.

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  3. I am disappointed we didn't get specific calcs of their highest feats cause I wanted specific estimates

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  4. Let's not forget that you guys used a Low Multiversal feat to debunk Universal Devil May Cry

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    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    2. Obviously kidding, great research for this one
      Although I wasn't suprised by Indy handedly taking stats

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    3. Bayonetta one shots into infinity and beyond

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  5. Nice. This whole matchup reminds me of James Bond Vs John Wick. A fight between two guys who are barely superhuman. I'm surprised there were three people on Jack Sparrow's side, but there was no counter argument for him. I'm pretty sure Indy wins, but I could see someone coming up with an argument for Jack, especially with that busted sword.

    Dante Vs Bayonetta? I'm pretty sure this one's an open and shut stomp for Bayo. It's been that way for years. I could even remember the Screwattack forums from way back when lambasting the Death Battle episode for playing up Dante's healing factor. I can't see Dante winning, unless the researchers go back on their stance on universal Dante.

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    1. Universal Dante is already iffy. And Bayo is way beyond that.

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  6. Why was there only one verdict if the vote was split?

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